Truth and Space
Originally Uploaded by kavous
It's so tempting to tell myself lies. Lies like "I'd just like someone to go home with" but it's not true. I am honest against my own will. I can't just go home with anyone, I wouldn't be able to, not even shit-faced drunk. Arguably I'd be less likely to go home with someone I didn't like then, as I'm more honest and less polite the more I drink.
Gods I wish he noticed me. There's nothing for it, really. Some people are natural charmers, and so he's also a good person, and doesn't actually want to make anyone upset...so he doesn't lead me on. Well. I suppose there's nothing else to say, is there?
My playing has really improved. If I do nothing else with this life I'll become a good oboist. Haha. I'm glad I have friends who periodically remind me that I can play other types of music whenever I want. There are a bunch of new influences that I want to explore. Perhaps I'll actually get up the nerve to take lessons with Francois one of these days.
I really wanted to get the nyo audition this time. I don't think I did well enough for it. It's hard to realize that's the last chance. I still have till I'm 30 to put one of the standard youth orchestras on my resume, but nyo is out. nao is still good, but it's about twice as competitive. Still, if I can't hack that I'll never get a professional gig that I'm happy with, so it's a valid level. It's funny how much contempt I've developed for 'personal best' in the last couple of years.
I work hard, I'm a good musician, and I love the oboe. None of that makes me a professional or a successful musician. I'll let you know when I'm happy with my level of musicianship not increasing, and I'll give you a hint: I might die a couple months after. It's about the process. It's about ALWAYS looking up, always getting better, always reaching for the next goal. I have no desire to settle and I never will; this is what makes me happy. Don't tell me to be happy with what I have - you might as well tell me to go dig my own grave.